My mother has been coming over for dinner on Sunday nights for quite some time. There is a fairly established protocol for the visit. My mom comes in and starts complaining about something or other (there's a short list that includes George W. Bush, the Koch brothers, GMOs, non-organic farming, Monsanto, how evil corporations are, etc) and then after dinner, we try to distract her with a game of Rummikub or with watercolor painting or some other activity.

I have tried various tactics to deal with her complaints. I've looked up subjects on Snopes, or I've searched for a reputable web site with good info, or sometimes I've just queried her for her sources. Quite often her response is "oh, I haven't really researched that". After hearing the same rants over and over, it gets hard to stay engaged, so a lot of times, I've gotten up and left the room. My wife (God bless her!) always seemed to be willing to listen to my mom and was very gracious about always inviting mom over every Sunday.

This year a couple things have happened that inspired me to step up my efforts to impress upon my mom how unpleasant her visits can be.

I had my first knee replacement on January 21, 2015. That next Sunday, my mom came over as usual, but as I was sitting there, she started to sneeze. At first, she turned away, but then as the sneeze hit, she turned towards me and sneezed on my leg, the one that had been operated on. I excused myself from the table and retreated to my bedroom.

After my mom had left, I came out to the kitchen and found my wife binging on chocolate. My wife finally admitted to me how horrible she feels after my mom has visited. All the complaining about the world really brings my wife down. After talking with my wife, it came out that she felt that she had to put up with my mom's rants because she's my mom. Talk about being a dutiful daughter-in-law; my wife deserves a medal!

My mom is in her late seventies. Her parents lived into their mid nineties, so left unchecked, it's possible that my mom could rant at us for the next fifteen years. Not something I'm looking forward to. Here's my attempt to lay it on the line and work something out with my mom:

Subject: Difficult letter to write...
From: ME
Date: Mon, Jan 26, 2015 9:01 am
To: MOM

Mom,

This is difficult for me to write. Please understand that I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I am choosing my words carefully. This is all a series of statements from my point of view, "the way it is," with no value judgments. I am not saying you are a bad person, I'm just trying to let you know that you are affecting me in a bad way.

With that said, please do not come back to my house until you have gotten over your cold and are absolutely symptom-free. They cut me open and my immune system is compromised. The biggest fear after this operation is that I will get some kind of infection. They put three bags of antibiotics in my IV! The biggest reason they won't fix my second knee for 90 days is that my immune system has to build back up. I already got your cold from your previous visit, but then when you sneezed on me at dinner tonight, that was the last straw and I had to excuse myself and leave the room. I know you think whatever concoction you use takes care of your cold, but IT DOES NOT GET RID OF YOUR COLD, IT JUST MASKS THE SYMPTOMS. You are still contagious at that point.

Mom, I'm emotionally drained when you leave my house. I hate having you visit. I know that you have very strong opinions, and I try to respect your right to have those opinions, no matter how much I disagree with them. However, I don't feel like you accord me the same courtesy. Every time you come over and rant about things (which is every time you come over), I get very tired. I have asked you to stop ranting and occasionally I have even tried disagreeing with you in conversation, but my only real effective tool for dealing with you is to leave the room. That is not fair to Andrea. She shouldn't have to put up with your rants any more than I should. Do you truly not see the effect you have on us when you start ranting?

Mom, in many cases, the things you rant about will never change. In other cases, you and I have polar opposite ideas about what is good. For example, I do not mind corporations at all. I work for, support, and protect American corporations. It is because of corporations that I have a new knee. It is because of the corporation that I work for that I am able to pay my bills, buy nice things for my wife, and plan ahead for a comfortable retirement.

I'm not saying you can't have your opinions. I'm just asking you to check them at the door when you come into my house. If something comes up in conversation, please observe how we react to it. We are all adults, at least physically, and by now our ideas and opinions are mostly set. If you think you are going to have a chance to change my mind about anything, I would suggest that you ask me how I feel about it and approach it point by point instead of just spewing vitriol at me. If you continue to rant, I will only be able to interpret it as a lack of respect for my wishes and a lack of understanding of how to interact with us socially.

With love,
Doug

I received one relatively short email response from mom: (is it too much of me to expect something like, "oh, I'm sorry I sneezed on you"?)

Subject: to reassure you, no cold
From: MOM
Date: Mon, Jan 26, 2015 10:25 am
To: ME

I do not have a cold, have not had one since last summer when my own system was compromised by the wrong antibiotic. With the help of special pro biotics and fermented foods I have become strong again.

I sneeze here in the desert like I have never sneezed before and in the spring it becomes severe but they are not caused by a virus. I assume I am allergic to various desert plants.

Left a voicemail message for mom saying that Sunday dinner is on the next week. Mom didn't come over. Also, originally, mom had offered to take me to physical therapy, but I didn't hear from her at all and then the appointment times got changed, so my wife was able to take me before heading in to work.

Subject: My PT appointment got changed, so Andrea will take me...
From: ME
Date: Sun, Feb 01, 2015 7:43 pm
To: MOM

Hi mom,

My PT appointments have changed times this week, so Andrea will take me before she goes to work.

I assume that you didn't come to dinner because you're still sneezing.

Thanks...
Doug

Didn't hear from mom at all after this. To be honest, I was pretty busy with recovering from my total knee replacement, so I didn't really have time or energy to deal with much else. My son's birthday was on March 2nd, and of course we wanted to include my mom, so I sent this next message. I love the poem "Sometimes" by David Budbill, and I hoped that if my mom read it, she might lighten up about the world a bit...

Subject: Two things...
From: ME
Date: Tue, Feb 24, 2015 8:23 am
To: MOM

We're having a birthday party for Alex this Sunday at 4PM at our house.

I really love this poem that Garrison Keillor posted some time ago; it's by one of my favorite poets:
http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php?date=2008/11/17

Mom finally says something in response to the first email. She also sends a card to my son saying that she won't be coming to his birthday and that he'll have to ask me why.

Subject: Alex's birthday
From: MOM
Date: Thu, Feb 26, 2015 5:50 pm
To: ME

Dear Doug,

I won't be coming to Alex's birthday party on Sunday. After receiving your email several weeks ago I no longer feel welcome at your house. I would always be concerned about sneezing or coughing and also concerned that I would say something you would find upsetting. That would be stressful for me and not pleasant. If I have misunderstood your email message, please let me know.

I will be gone on Saturday afternoon at the Book Shop and Sunday from 12:45 until 4:00 for my Arts and Humanism group but will be here Saturday and Sunday mornings if Alex wants to stop by. I would love to see him and wish him Happy Birthday in person.

Have a wonderful party.

Mom

Sadly, after a battle with depression, my father committed suicide off of a tall bridge in 1997. My mother and sisters apparently knew what his plans were beforehand, but they neglected to tell me or my brother. My dad had visited me and my family about a month before and we had a great time together. When he heard that my mom was back in their home (she had been away at my brother's place), he cut the visit short and left in a panic. Mom didn't literally push dad off the bridge, but her actions and attitudes were a huge part of his decision.

Subject: RE: Alex's birthday
From: ME
Date: Thu, Feb 26, 2015 6:33 pm
To: MOM

You are always welcome at our house. What stresses both of us out is your constant bitching about the world. I am frequently reminded of the last thing dad said to me, "I just want to be with a woman who is happy." I'd love to figure out how to help you be a happier person, but you seem to be very comfortable where you are.

As I explicitly said in the previous message, I'm not saying you can't have your opinions about big business, big ag, genetics, republicans, whatever, I'm just asking you to leave them behind when you visit us. A way to think about it might be to broadcast less and listen more. Or as the bumper sticker says, "Wag More, Bark Less"...

Love,
Doug

At this point, I didn't hear anything from mom for over a month. I did hear from my nephew that my mom had him read that email. We hear from family that mom is telling people that both of her sons have now disowned her. Some years ago, my brother was living with my mom, but she didn't like his new fiance and didn't want her in the house. Instead of giving them time to find another place, my mom told them the night before they went on vacation that they couldn't come back. Regardless of the details of the rest of the situation, I don't think that was fair of my mom. My brother stopped talking to her at that point.

Subject: thoughts...
From: MOM
Date: Sun, Mar 29, 2015 1:09 pm
To: ME

Dear Doug,

This current rift in our relationship troubles me and I am trying to understand how I can honor your feelings and at the same time take care of myself. It is clear that you do not want me to bring up any subject that relates to articles I have read or stories I hear on NPR or PBS which you view as my "constant bitching about the world".

I am concerned for the future of the world. Please do not misunderstand this concern as "bitching". Ghandi stated it well... "Be the change you want to see in the world." I do this by educating myself on topics that appear to have severe global consequences. I listen to PBS and NPR. I volunteer at the Center for Biological Diversity, I sign petitions and visit my representatives. I discuss what I’ve read or learned with those around me. I understand that you may not agree with my statements and your passions lie elsewhere but you should respect the fact that they are my views and I am passionate about them.

I’m sure you know that I don’t align with many of your life choices. I do not want to list examples here because I do not want to create a further rift between us but I’m sure you know we are different people. I believe I have done a good job not judging you or asking you to censor yourself. Why do you feel a need to do that to me?

So where does that leave us? I can’t have an opinion? I can’t speak about anything unless it is mundane and vanilla? I’m supposed to come over for dinner and pretend to be someone else for a few hours? Does that mean you’ll do the same when you come to my home? How does this work?

Your birthday is coming up and it pains me to think I will miss it. What do you suggest?

Mom has repeatedly stated that she wants to save the earth for her grandchildren. I'm not sure exactly what she does about it other than complain that nobody seems to care. I'm glad that she's passionate about her views, but it seems to me that "Be the change..." implies actually doing something besides talking... (By the way mom, thanks for that veiled threat.)

Subject: RE: thoughts...
From: ME
Date: Mon, Mar 30, 2015 8:58 am
To: MOM

I'm not sure how to answer this. It seems to me that you didn't read or didn't understand the previous two messages I wrote to you about it.

Are you saying that the only way you can take care of yourself is to come into my house and talk about every bad thing you've encountered on NPR, PBS, or the Internet?

As for the birthday, we're already scheduled to be out of town...

Mom still hasn't confirmed or denied her understanding of the previous messages nor answered that question about taking care of herself.

Subject: wishing you well
From: MOM
Date: Mon, Apr 20, 2015 9:11 pm
To: ME

I understand from Beth that you are having knee surgery tomorrow. I will be thinking about you and hope it all goes very well.

Love, Mom

Thanks mom, gives me hope that you actually care about me.

Subject: thinking about you
From: MOM
Date: Tue, May 05, 2015 5:52 pm
To: ME

I have been thinking about you every day and hoping that your recovery from surgery is going as well as it did for the first knee.

Love, Mom

That's nice mom, how about popping by the house? If you don't feel comfortable in my house, why not invite us over to yours or meet us at some restaurant or other public place? My mother-in-law drove down from Phoenix with a full meal basket after both of my knee surgeries. She sent me get-well cards both times, and she has regularly texted me asking how my recovery is going. Also, for what it's worth, I haven't been online much since the surgery, so email is not really the best way to contact me if you're trying to reach out.

So, fast forward a bit, and my niece is graduating from college. My wife and I go to the ceremony on Thursday, and we see that my sister has brought my mom; she texts us and we wave back and forth. After the ceremony, my sister comes over and tries playing the go-between. She tells me that mom is upset and wants an apology. Of course, she's never read any of these messages, and doesn't really want to know my side.

After the conversation, I'm trying to get up the stairs (knee replacement, remember?), and my wife goes on ahead and approaches my mom with open arms and asks if she can give mom a hug. Mom says, "no" and turns away. My wife had been genuinely happy to see my mom, but this makes her almost blurt out, "fuck you". (My wife *never* says fuck you to anyone.) We hear later that mom seems to regret her action, but that's not enough for her to join us for dinner that night or the next night when my nephew graduates from high school. Interestingly, we hear that mom wants my nephew to stay with her instead of going to the celebration dinner with everyone else. Four days later:

Subject: apology
From: MOM
Date: Monday, May 18, 2015 8:56 AM
To: ANDREA

Andrea,

I want to apologize to you for my reaction at McKale Center. I was not prepared for contact with either you or Doug so when you came over, I responded "no" without even thinking. I fear I hurt your feelings and for that, I am truly sorry.

I have been trying to recover from the pain I feel after reading Doug's first e-mail at the end of January as well as his response to my e-mail in March. I thought I was making progress by writing well wishes to him before his recent surgery and two weeks later expressing my hope that all is going well. I now realize that my pain is still so deep that I did not want to see either one of you.

At this point I'm not sure what to do. Doug seems unwilling to understand why I found his e-mail to be so upsetting. He has not responded to my efforts to reach out. All around, it is not a good situation. I find it very unfortunate indeed.

Mom

No mom, I know *exactly* why you found my e-mail to be upsetting, but at this point, I leave further interpretation to the reader.

Did I mention that my mom was an English major in college?